Communication Breakdown

On a daily basis I see kids with developmental disabilities, speech and language special needs, and processing problems of various degrees. Most of the parents of these children experience some level of frustration with communicating with them - anything from not feeling they are being "heard" to not knowing how to express themselves or their expectations in an appropriate way for the child. Contrary to the Led Zeppelin lyrics, communication breakdown between parents and children is not "always the same".
However, as time goes on I've learned that even parents of children without developmental delays or speech and language special needs can benefit from learning some basic techniques in communicating effectively with their children. This blog will be multi-part, as this is a multi-faceted topic. This post will focus on what parents can do to begin assessing and appropriately remedying their own communication techniques, before jumping to the more tedious task of assessing and improving the communication skills and needs of their children.

The main question I want parents to continuously ask themselves is, "Are you saying what you want to be saying?" Before jumping to answers, I point out all the ways in which this question can be helpful. Here are some examples of what I mean:


1. Are you plays on language? Children may have difficulty deciphering the nuances we as adults use when communicating, such as sarcasm, metaphors, or expressions which are unfamiliar to them. In the heat of the moment we may not be paying attention to the words we are using, and if our children are taking them at face value we could be confusing them rather than sending the message we are intending. Children with autistic spectrum disorders and PDD have an especially difficult time with this, as they are often concrete thinkers who take words literally rather than figuratively.
2. Does your child know you are exaggerating? You may be making overly emphatic statements trying to be humorous, or because you are angry, which your child may react to by panicking, becoming upset (or feeling like you are being "mean"), or simply not responding at all because he or she is confused. Keep it simple and avoid being over-dramatic to avoid this type of response.
3. Are you speaking at your child's developmental level? Sometimes parents will become upset if they ask two or more children to do the same thing and one just seems not to "get it". Not only can this set up some sibling relational issues, as he/she may be being compared to his/her sibling unfairly, but it completely misses the boat on speaking to children at an appropriate developmental level. Just as you would not speak to a 12yo and a 4yo in the same way and expect the same response, parents have to remember that some children may appear physically older than their actual age, or be delayed emotionally or developmentally compared to their actual age, and need adjustments accordingly. I've had parents actually admit that because their child is "big for their age" they often forget that they are chronologically younger.
4. What is your body saying? An enormous part of communication is body language, and the more attuned to our own body language we are the more in control we can be of the messages we are trying to send. Be sure to think about your posture when you are speaking to your kids, as even the simple act of looking down on them can feel punitive. I usually recommend with younger children to get down to their level and make face to face eye contact when you are trying to request something of them or communicate your current frustrations, feelings, or needs. Children who may be averse to eye contact should be considered separate, although coming down to their level will still help. Remember things like crossing your arms, putting your hands on your hips, or tensing your facial muscles can all convey frustration and/or anger, which may not be the message you are trying to send.
5. Set the tone. Your tone of voice can completely negate the actual words you are saying, even if you don't mean it to. Of course, tone of voice can be used to provide emphasis to your words in a positive way, as well, but be sure to be attuned to the tone you are using to be sure the messages aren't mixed. Most children are very observant and will pick up on emotions contained in our tone of voice quite easily. Children with sensory issues may go either way - meaning they may be hypersensitive to the tone of your voice, creating communication barriers or emotional responses inadvertently, or they may not understand that certain tones of voice may differentiate between a mom/dad who is joking around and a mom/dad who is at the end of their frustration rope.

Practice paying attention to these above things when assessing communication between you and your children (or grandchildren, patients, whatever kiddies you have surrounding you) and see if they can make a difference in your relationships.

More to come on future posts, specific to helping children develop better communication skills. It is not until we are attuned to our own needs and deficits that we can help our children to work on theirs.